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We the people of the rest of the United States of America are deeply concerned for the English language's safety in your Commonwealth. While we understand that the language rarely follows consistent rules grammatically and phonetically, it does not mean that your state can make up its own pronunciation and spelling rules entirely. To put it eloquently the English language is a page in a coloring book, and while sometimes it's acceptable to color a little bit outside of the lines, it is not ok to color squigglies in random corners like you are. How did you turn Haverhill into "Hey-vrill"? That's like turning a cow into steak, you butchered it. And Quincy into "Quin-zee"? It really sounds like the town is named after a South Shore rapper rather than an American hero. Gloucester (Glaws-ter), Chatham (Chad-um), Billericka (Bill-rick-a), the list goes on. The language confusion has grown so severe, we feel it's time to take drastic (dra-stick) action (act-shun). From now on your towns will be numbered, starting with Boston as #1 and working its way outward. We figure there's no possible way you can mispronounce numbers, please don't prove us wrong. Massachusetts, we're sorry to abruptly foist this upon you, but it's your own doing, we're merely trying to help.
The rest of America
P.S. While many of you may be inconvenienced by our swift name-changing ordinance, we think the town of Athol will thank us in the long run. (still hard for me to say that name with a straight face)